I wasn’t watching the screen but I heard a name announced that was almost familiar and I started paying attention. Some was being interviewed for an expert opinion on something.
It was the psychologist who Mottsu has consulted in the weeks before he died.
I haven’t met the psychologist. In the aftermath of Mottsu’s death the psychologist rang me to offer condolences and express his regret. I know he was interviewed by the police, a matter of course, as part of the Coroners inquest. I know he talked about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Mottsu. I know Mottsu found his advice helpful, although ultimately not helpful enough.
I was glad Mottsu sought support as his well being deteriorated and I wondered about a cognitive approach for someone so ensnared in their emotions. I still worry that the therapeutic goal was to make him different, in some way less than who he was. I remember Mottsu feeling he had to be more spontaneous, to me seemed a goal that mocked and taunted his depressed state. I know he struggled with spontaneity and how he should achieve that ironic and impossible goal.
Anyway I saw his psychologist on TV and struggled to know what to feel – how do I feel about that person from the past? I waited a couple of days for my reaction but there is almost none – not resentment or acrimony but I do notice a little cynicism welling up. I am content that the past is becoming the past, and somewhere I can’t influence.